The Legend Of Zelda: Link Gets Laid PDF Print E-mail
Written by Jomb   
Tuesday, 23 February 2010 02:22

The Legend Of Zelda: Link Gets Laid

The vast majority of ROM-hacks are for the NES. It’s a thoroughly emulated system, and is still the primary venue for most ROM-hacks. Especially back in the early days. Today I bring you a hack by P3 Industry, The Legend Of Zelda: Link Gets Laid. This is a hack of a Gameboy ROM. Not the Color Gameboy, or even the Super Gameboy. This is that old monochrome mother fucker. I, like most ROM-hackers, have avoided this system. Why is that? Because quite frankly, its hard enough drawing 8-bit genitalia with color, I don’t even want to attempt it in monochrome. According to the credits P3 Industry made this in 1999. P3 is also responsible for such hacks as Megafag. Could this be a long-lost ROM-hack classic? I aim to find out during this review.


Erupting all over your ass.
His arms appear to be boneless.

The title screen is actually fairly well done. Whoever P3 Industry is (I doubt it is the Pharmaceuticals Partnerships Program, probably one lone pervert), he did a reasonable job considering. Is that a strangely effeminate Link on top of a volcano with a ginormous boner spurting black semen everywhere? What the hell is that boy eating? He has the sperm of death!


This whole game is a perverse dream Likki
Note the unchanged Link graphic.

At 1st this looks like the original Link’s Awakening game. Until you learn that you are being awoke from a wet dream by Likki on Clitmold Island. Things go horribly awry for Link the moment he gets out of bed. Suddenly he looks vaguely like Butthead, with a boner.


hehe hehe hehe.. this is gonna be cool
What the hell happened to him?

Likki informs us that Link washed ashore on a nudist beach, and now horny animals are raping the civilians. She urges abstainence, whatever that is. If she meant abstinence, she is fuck out of luck, Link aims to get laid!


Remember kids, abstainance!
Better go check that out right away!

Talking to Boner, the man of the house, he informs me that he found my condom. How did he know it was my condom? My name was on it!


Is it ribbed?
Link Gets Laid teaches safe sex practices.

Link is a total scumbag in this hack. He only has one condom, and he wears it all the time. He even has his name written on it. That thing has got to be pretty fucking nasty by now. This will be cock-mold island by the time Link is done with it.

It don’t really look much like a condom. More like a beaker, or maybe a penis pump. Or maybe Link has a perfectly cylindrical penis, with no head on it or curvature. Do you know what an elf cock actually looks like? No? Then shut the fuck up.

When you use your condom, this is what happens:


Penis, or umbrella?
Somebody explain why it comes out of his belly button...

Link’s cock can stretch to about the length of his whole body if he wears this condom. On top of that, his head and body shrink and change shape. Maybe Link is kinda like an amoeba. Maybe he is related to that guy from Orgy Time. Regardless, Link has one massive cock on him, he can put most horses to shame. Wandering around Skankville, there is much perversity afoot. I encountered a grove of male members:


Those insects were born as cumapillars
On Clitmold Island, cocks grow from the very ground itself.

Notice how on Clitmold Island, the insects travel from cock to cock spreading the semen around. I wonder where the cunt plants are? Unless… these are gay plants!


Ah, domestic bliss...
For Christmas, baby wants a blow-up doll. They grow up so fast!

I encountered Cumrag and his wife. Cumrag informed me that he will be jerkin furiously later, and wants me to watch. His wife says her baby looks like shit, and wants a Rubber Doll and she doesn’t know what that is. What a charming couple.


She must be in shock.
She really took being raped well.

I met a girl who informed me that her rapist is proud of his big dick. Gee honey, you haven’t seen Link’s yet then…

There is a library with all kinds of interesting books. Titles such as “Fun With Turds”, “Secrets Of The Whirling Dick”, “How To Handle Your Condom Like A Pro!”, “Sexy Secrets And Bullshit Of Clitmold”, etc. Unfortunately that last book is not readable without Geezer Bi-focals. The ever-informative Atlas of Clitmold Island can be found here, which actually has lots of place names in it sure to scare the fuck out of you in advance.

You can use the phones in town. All you get is a sex line with some slut named Jasmine. Or Old Fuckhole, depends on who you listen to.

Getting myself the hell out Skankville, I head south to the Shank Bank. None of the enemies appear changed. They certainly weren’t animals trying to rape me. Just the same old Zelda enemies. But I did come across this:


Floatation device?
If that is my penis.. then what is between my legs?!?!

It appears to be a woman, or possibly Jesus, blocking my way to a penis floating in the water. Could that be my penis? Wandering around for awhile the mystery is solved:


Lamest hookers ever..
How do they make any money?

They are Sea Hookers, and they will kill you if you touch their tits. What the fuck. That’s no way to turn a trick you stupid bitches.

Before I can get my cock back, some damn owl lands and starts talking shit to me:


How many licks to the center of a pussy-pop?
It's not a ROM-hack without a meandering tale of rape and racism.

Apparently the owl considers this massive organ to be puny. Or maybe he is just being sarcastic. Either way it is apparently exciting the “rapists”, wherever they are. I cant have sex unless I stop the Omni-Negro from jerkin? P3 Industries sure did come up with one nonsensical storyline for this hack. Why on earth could I not have sex because a large black man is masturbating? I think P3 could not come up with anything so he just tossed in a bunch of random racial slurs and sex jargon. Still, I found my penis, which is apparently detachable (King Missile reference?). So I guess its off to the Forest of Fags.


A boy finds his dick, so touching.
It must hurt to tear off your cock and hold it aloft.

Yea, its my dick because of the cum stains. That makes a lot of sense considering that A) I always wear this condom, and B) I cant have sex because I’m too disturbed by a black man masturbating somewhere far away. Is just a small touch of logical consistency to much to ask from P3?


Balls alone are bigger than his head.
Want to sword-fight?

As you can see, Link does not so much thrust with his penis, as he removes it and swings it around, balls and all. What a strange little creature! Are all elves like that?


Things found in a rest-room.
Wait, you actually want piss?

I guess now is as good a time as any to explain a couple things. You don’t have hearts or life or whatever, instead you have urine. It is represented by glasses of urine, like in a sample. It makes no sense, as usual. So I can die from taking a leak?

And money has been changed as well. Instead of Rupies, its Pubies. Represented by pubic hairs. I guess money does not grow on trees… but it does grow between your legs!


Zelda and her refined tastes.
He dug a used tampon out of the garden. Sicko.

Secret Seashells have been replaced with Used Tampons. It would seem that Zelda really fancies them. Nothing like a tampon to get you in a ladies pants…


The owl, symbol of wisdom....
What the fuck is wrong with this owl?!?

Heading to the Forest Of Fags, I’m once again accosted by the sick little owl. It would seem that the Omni-Negro is jerkin it faster and faster everyday, and clitmold island is just full of queers. Somehow this prevents me from getting laid. I’ve seen many females already, and they don’t seem very lady-like. I bet I could score with them. But no, this owl says I don’t get none unless I stop the Jerker. P3 logic and all. So its off to find the nad in this forest so I can open up anus cave and find the sex toy that is hidden in it. How is a sex toy gonna help a man get aroused? Damn you P3 Industry and your illogical scenarios! I wonder how a sex toy got lost in Anus Cave… somebody must have really shoved it in there too far…

The enemies appear to be unchanged. But I did find some Spermacide!


Its stored in a crystal?
Will it battle the sick cooties inside my condom?

Just what a man needs to prevent… pregnancy… what a minute, why do I want spermacide again?

So I lied slightly. P3 did somewhat change one enemy:


Cock Soldier
Complete with scrotal shield

Now it’s fighting with a penis, very similar to the one I fight with. Big deal! The other enemies hurl penii now. P3 Industry has some very peculiar ideas about how male anatomy works.


Yeast makes that rise also?
I thought I could'nt get aroused because of the Jerker? Lies!

I also found some yeast. Link is a sick fuck who loves toxic shock syndrome type sluts. So the smell of the yeast turns him on mightily… and makes him fight better somehow.


Let's fuck.. and take urine samples to...
Did I pass? My drug test that is. That's what the samples are for, right?

Despite the owl’s claim that I could not get laid yet, I managed to. I found this fairy slut in the woods and she took care of my needs. She also surrounded me in urine samples. I think she is into water sports. Twisted little whore.


Yes, let us celebrate the vajcheese.
Link is easily amused.

In the Forest Of Fags, I found some VajCheese. How lovely. This island is really putrid.


P3 Industry - Proud sponsor of the Menstrual Olympics.
Should'nt she be at menopause by now?

Then there is this nasty menstruation witch. She works in Vajcheese. If you give her yours, she turns it into Monistat 7 for you.


Once you know how its made, you wont want any.
All this for some Monistat 7...

That witch really knows her vaginal infections! I must admit to be baffled by her though. What the fuck is a shithold? Sounds like some puke-ass nasty wrestling move.


Why do all the hookers in this game have some problem with sex?
Ain't she sexy?

Also in the Forest Of Fags is a raccoon hooker. Yea, raccoon pussy is sensitive to dust and powder… whatever… Use the Monistat 7 on this pathetic creature, and:


Never go down on a girl on Clitmold Island.
So he is a transvestite furry?

Apparently Boner ate some pussy which did not agree with him. I thought we couldn’t get laid because of the Omni-Negro? P3 Industry must have been paying close attention the Clinton presidency.. Oral sex is not actually sex!


Long-winded bitch.
Time to go ass mining for sex toys.

After that I got the Anal nad. Great, now I can enter the Anus cave. Sounds like one nasty spelunking expedition. But before I head out, that damn owl showed up to heckle me and boss me around.

I’ve had about enough of this deranged owl. Go shove a tootsie pop up your ass.

Before I went to the Anus Cave, I stopped at town, and won a Rubber Doll:


Ethernopean?
Not much of a rubber doll.

I then traded that to the sick mother for a Jock strap:


Why did a baby have a jock strap?
Not a fair trade.

Then I traded the Jock strap for a can of Dog Shit:


Is this a Shitdic hack?
An even worse trade.

Finally I traded the canned shit to a crocodile on crack, who proceeded to eat it and gave me some “wankers” which look suspiciously like bananas:


He is full of shit.
Don't do drugs kids.

What a gross trading circle! I feel like a really creepy horse trader.

Finally after all that, I went to Anus Cave. Anus Cave is little changed other than the name. It is an anus in name only. I did find some Crystal Meth though:


I'll be awake for a month.
They also stashed drugs in this anus.

This Crystal Meth makes you jump. It’s that exciting!


What an ill-conceived change for the lantern.
Will it also hack all the unchanged graphics?

I also found an Eraser. What the fuck? OK, so it lets me see censored cums hots? I’ve become convinced that P3 Industry is a collective of mildly retarded ROM-hackers. They just don’t really understand sex that well, but are obsessed with it nonetheless.


Its about fuckin time!
Porn.. on a scroll..

I also got porn. Yea, its just the map. The map to the pussy!… Never mind, its just not that well thought out.

Various other items had nonsensical cosmetic name changes. The Nigger Nad? Yea, that’s what you need to enter the bosses room.

After all this bullshit, you finally find the anal beads:


Play me a tune... on your anal beads...
Damn, try shoving that up your ass!

They look strangely like a cello. Damn it must have hurt to get them stuck in here… And what happens when I extract this cello ..I mean anal beads.. From Anus Cave?


Whose ass am I inside?
Remarkable clean anus this has been.

Apparently a bowel movement! It must have been an obstruction…


Somebody hide the acid from the owl..
Who is behind this owl? get it? who...hoo? oh never mind!

On my way back from Anus Cave, the owl shows up again and gives you another meandering tale full of typos. The anal beads I just got are apparently an sex toy of the virgins. Somehow they can defeat the Omni-negro if you collect them all. How is not obvious or explained. For the next sex toy I must travel to LiquiShitPool. I hope that wasn’t just unleased from Anus Cave when I pulled out the anal beads. The owl finds my beast to be sexually attarctive whatever that means. I didn’t know I had one.


Pilgers...moblins?  What?
They were so fierce they even raped houses.

When I got back to Shankville, I was informed that while I was gone, pilgers or moblins came and raped everyone, even the rapist.


What a lame rapist.
Very terrrrbile indeed!

That one odd girl tells you her rapist was molested by pilgers. And she wants to you return her Rapist to her. What the fuck is a pilger? Never heard of such a thing. I guess I better get the poor girl’s Rapist back to her, the bitch would be lost without her rapist and his huge cock.

Her Rapist is being held by the Moblin King:


Wait... what?
I never agreed to rape moblins...

Bow Wow (or Rapist) in tow, I headed through LiquiShitPool, which was just an ordinary swamp, and entered Groper’s Cave.

As expected Groper’s Cave is little changed. I did find these words of wisdom written on a severed cock. Must have been a tattoo:


I hope I get to rescue the Giga Pimp.  I want to see that!
Omni-Negro... Giga Pimp.. what's next? The Terra Queer?

Out-rape the Giga Pimp!??! Who is the Giga Pimp, and what is his relation to the Omni-Negro? Are these CIA code names?

I also found Sterois in this cave. It looks like a bracelet:


Fuck yea!  Now what is it?
Hey P3, try this new invention, it's called a spell-checker!

I’m assuming P3 meant steroids. The number of typos has increased a lot since early in the game. I think P3 must not have even bothered to test out most of this stuff.


More effort please.
After typing it 1 million times, P3 still fails to spell fuck.

The boss is the same clown from before, and even with mostly the same dialog. He gets fiuken pissed this time though. P3 put a lot of effort into him.


Women, do not douche with this horn.
Douche Bag, pocket pussy.. I guess they are interchangable

Finally the sex toy is found, it is the…. Douche Bag?!? This is a sex toy? Really?

I returned Rapist to Madam Molester… and this is what happened:


Score one for Link!
Link was laid! I won!... wait, you mean there is more.. fuck!

When did the anal intercourse take place? Somehow I missed that! And here is further proof that the owl is full of shit. I got laid and the Omni-Negro did not prevent me.

I went to the store then. bombs have been replaced by turds. I suppose that they are bombs in a way… And the shovel has been replaced by the Anus Plower, which looks just like a shovel. And the Bow has been replaced by the Spewage Gun. It appears to fire scrotums:


Elephantitus for sure.
That is not spewage, that's the part that creates it. Stupid Link!

I’m not real sure though!

I encountered the owl again, and got the real story finally:


Dirty old owl!
Clearly he is mentally ill, pay no attention.

The Omni-Negro is on top of a giant egg on top of a mountain and jerking it furiously, feverishly. I guess we can all see him way up there, if we use binoculars, and the sight is pissing us off. To make him stop, I have to come and use the 8 sex toys in front of him. Somehow this prevents anal penetration. Maybe once he finally cums he will not be able to get it up again for that. Personally, I think this owl is just on drugs and making shit up. None of these supposed sex toys look anything like sex toys. Maybe the owl gets his kicks from watching me uses these musical instruments as sex toys!

In Fagbash Field, I came across Negroid, an ex-escort:


Looks kinda pale to me
Who would hire this guy?

He says if I get him the 5 Golden Cocks from the castle Cumburp, he will give me the nad to the next cave.

The Castle is not changed other than finding cocks instead of leaves. Once the cocks have been collectd and given to Negroid, he allows you to go get the Slime nad. Great, now I can enter the next cave…. The sinister Vaj Canal!

Vaj Canal is not changed much at all. I found the Whore Boots there:


Wait, does this make me whore?
How'd she lose boots in her VajCanal? What a slut!

Not much of a change really. How do I know they even really belonged to a whore?

This whole cave is little changed, even the boss has the same dialog from before. The sex toy was:


Son, that is a bell, you are a retard.
Link has a thing for robots.

Brass Breast? What planet is this a sex toy on? We like our breasts nice and soft, not metallic and brassy, thank you very much!


bukkake?
Who would ever think to look there?

After getting the sex toy, I was told something about going to a spermfall. Oh the horrors!

On the way back, the owl shows up once again:


Shut the fuck up..
I wanted to get laid.. not leave the island!

Utopia Desert? Why that don’t even sound sex or drug related. What’s up P3? Ran out of ideas already?

Back in town I found that the ocarina has been replaced by the schlong:


Words of wisdom
A cock was locked in a chest..

Unfortunately Link don’t know how to stroke this schlong right:


Dumbass
How could he not know by now?!?

I thought they all pretty much worked the same.

Not to worry though, a girl in town can teach me:


Not only has P3 been misinformed about sex, he also failed music.
This is why we need sex ed in our schools.

She has a thing for detachable penii. This is where things get really confusing, somehow this is the song Glory To The Omni-Negro. And my balls remember it. Very strange super-power. This poor girl has music and sex mixed up, her parents really did a number on her.


Hey girl, play a tune on my Tromboner!
This one time... at band camp...

Somehow the bong I don’t remember carrying changed into a tromboner. Its best to not ask.

I arrived at Beast Sex City. Not much to see here, the changes are not as dramatic, I could tell P3 was no longer feeling it, or was uninspired this day. I did trade the tromboner, which looks suspiciously like honey, for some marajuana:


Marajuana, Marijuana's red-headed step-child.
A pot-dealing, tromboner-loving bear.

The bear went on to advise me that I need to bring Likki here, so that she can suck off some lard ass who is blocking the way to Utopia Sand. Likki is very popular in this town, all the critters go on about how great she is in the sack.

I went and got Likki, and got laid again:


Link gets laid yet again!
Take that, Omni-Negro!

Then, afterward I transformed back into an elf and listened to Likki’s post-coital ramblings about cocain and how she wishes she were a fuck robot. She agrees to come with you and fuck a walrus. When we get there be both decide to go down on the walrus together:


I want to say no, but they wont let me!
What a romantic 1st date.

How romantic… Afterward Likki heads off to Beast Sex City, presumably for a barnyard orgy.

After finding another “nad”, the owl tells me to go jump down a sperm fall:


He has a sort of Tourettes.
He would be an expert on nads.

Yes, totally nasty. Makes one wonder where all that jizz comes from? Could there be… masturbating giants?!?


It was all in your imagination...
Omni-Eggro?

This is the egg they were all talking about… I don’t see an Omni-Negro. I knew that owl was crazy!

On my way to the next cave, I encountered Cumrag… He wanted a blowjob:


It's official, Link is bi.
What would you do... for some vagicil?!?

After engaging in some faggotry, Link was rewarded with some Vagicil… What the fuck was this dude wandering around with Vagicil for? Very peculiar!

Finally I made my way to the Tunnel Of Cum. As expected little has been changed. I got these ominous words of wisdom:


Words to live by...
It predicts the ghost!

So soon homosexual necrophilia is going to be thrown into this sick mix?

The flippers have been replaced by the speedos. I’m not even showing that, it’s too insignificant.

P3 once again didn’t even bother to change the dialog of the boss.


All this for a vibrator? Could'nt I have just bought one?
And this one hums a tune..

All this for a harp shaped vibrator… at least this time that is an actual sex toy, unlike the brass breast.

Next I found a fish who taught me a song called “Bloody Jism”:


The Arouser must have been an ironic nick-name.
Call your local radio station today, request Bloody Jism!

What a putrid song! Is it by Gwar? P3 gave up with the concept of these being ways to stroke a schlong, this was clearly a song. Use it when I’m low on sperm? So I cum blood? Cool, now Link can have a man-period.

Next thing I know, some ghost is following me around. Eventually it starts complaining about orgasms, sex, hellyard, and other nonsensical bullshit.


Get over, you're dead!
Oh the memories.. stored in your balls...

I think it wants me to take it to it’s grave, or maybe to try to fuck it, I’m not sure.

Wow, my reward for helping the damn ghost was:


Thanks alot fuckface!
Grandpa's secret jam recipe.

The directions to a jizz jar. Just what I always wanted! An antique sperm sample!

Then that damn owl appeared again:


This owl is a stalker!
Don't listen, he is a big fucking liar.

At this point I pay little attention this owl. Some crazy shit about swimming through sperm and up an ass. I know full well none of that is going to happen.

Cave 5 has been renamed Up The Ass. But unfortunately none of the graphics have been changed to match, so you just swim in ordinary water and enter the cat fish maw like in the regular game. As usual, this cave is an ass in name only.


I already had one!
You mean longer dong?

The hook shot was changed to the Long Dong. At least in name.

The boss babbles about the Omni-Negro before attacking, but is otherwise the same old eel.


I need a partner for this one!
I think the virgin that had this one was lesbian.

All that for a Strap-on Cock. Which as usual looks more like a musical instrument.

Next I wandered around and continued the trading game. I traded an X-rated letter to some guy in exchange for a Shaft. I traded the Shaft to an old woman for a Faglure Hook. I traded the hook to a fisherman in exchange for a Clit Ring. I encountered a mermaid who said she lost her Clit Ring. In exchange:


She is cock-greedy
How many does she have?

Yes, this poorly thought out sequence involves giving a mermaid her lost clit ring in exchange for a… Penis?!? This fails on so many levels it really boggles the mind. How does a mermaid wear a clit ring? Fish do not have clits! How does the mermaid have a penis? Or multiple cocks as this seems to suggest. She has a fish’s lower half! Even if you ignored that… it’s a female! All I can say, is that the mermaid of Clitmold Island must be a real terror, luring men with her sexy body only to pull a sneaky castration-style blowjob, then make off with their organ. She must collect them!

I ran into the owl again.. And he talked about arks. I don’t think this conversation was much changed. Fuck, I had come to depend on that owl for my deranged rambling inappropriate storyline fix. P3, you are letting me down!

On a mural in a cave I discovered the horrible truth:


Who could possibly find this a wet dream?
Grammar was not a strong subject of the ancients.

Yes… Clitmold Island is but a wet dream. I think I’d liken it more to a wet nightmare.

After reading that the owl appears and says:


Wait... now its a damn fish?
If the Omni-Negro is a fish, how can he jerk it?

As you can see its some bizarre patchwork of the original game dialog and random bits of this owl’s Tourette’s Syndrome. P3 seems to be just coasting along on the minimum effort at this point. I’ve already been laid several times by now, I guess the owl missed those parts.


More cocks flying across the screen *yawn*
Aren't most of em bent? Thats not unusual.

I discovered that the Boomerang has been replaced by the Bent Cock. I swear that on Clitmold Island, all genitalia is detachable and never rots.

The Face Shrine has been renamed the Whore House. So does it contain Whores? No, it does not. It does contain the Mega Steroids though:


I guess they have steroids in bracelet form now.
P3 totally dissed that Mike guy from his gym class in this hack.

I have no idea who Mike McAndrew is. Google doesn’t seem to have a clear idea either. I’d speculate that Mike McAndrew was a fat person that P3 knew in real life. Maybe he was a whore as well?

As usual almost nothing has been changed in the so-called “Whore House”. The sex toy is:


Looks over-used, my head would fit in there..
I shall use it as a carrying case for the other sex toys.

The Latex Pussy. It also doubles as a triangle. Don’t you just love these oddly musical sex toys? I bet P3 would be a blast at band practice.

As I left the Whore House, I was again accosted by the owl:


I cant have any LSD, because this owl used it all.
Bring on the rapists, I'm well prepared.

OK, so we cant get aroused because of the Omni-Negro’s stroking, but the rapists love it? And by the way… where the fuck are these rapists at? I have not yet seen a single rapist, just the same old enemies from Zelda.

I came across some frogs, who were apparently rapists but also prostitutes, and for 300 pubies this happened:


The new replacement for Viagra
Possibly this is an obscure insult directed at the French.

The Kunts Songs Of Spew? What a riveting little number! I’ll just play it on my brass breast and Latex Pussy.

On my way through the Shithills, the owl appeared again:


Is it over yet?
Just keep walking, ignore the owl...

Fuck… it’s gonna be more sexually taxing? You know all that sex I’m supposedly not having.. It takes a toll! My dick Is… well it’s detached. Is that a bad sign?

I made my way into the 7th dungeon. “The PhallusPalice”:




I’m sure he meant Palace, spelling is not P3’s strong suit.


Too bad not a single enemy uses sperm to attack..
Glass does not reflect, Fuck McFace, you're thinking of mirrors.

Yes, I found the Glass Condom. Bitches better be fucking gentle fucking me, or they will get a cunt full of broken glass. Somehow I cant imagine much sensation coming through the glass for Link though. I think this one is strictly for sadists to use on masochists.

My prize for all this bullshit:


huh?
Who the hell is Ina? Relative of Peter Gozinya?

The Raw Vaj Of Ina? What the fuck is that supposed to be? I suppose if cocks are detachable in the game, it makes sense that vaginas are to.

I came across Likki, she was stuck on a bridge.


analingus rape?
These days rapes are most common on Rickety old bridges.

These “rapists” that I never encounter, have put her there. Because she is afraid of analingus?!? It’s probably best not to ask. After I rescued her, there was an essentially unchanged dialog where Likki almost confesses her feelings, but gets interrupted by Boner showing up and taking her home.

Not to worry though, the owl showed up for my fix of nonsensical perversity:


A not so well known fact... stones are homosexual.
OmnoNegro?!?

Let me get this straight, this god-damned owl has been making me collect sex toys so I can use them in front of the Omni-Negro and stop his jacking…. Yet all it really would have taken was Likki singing her song? And he is pissed that she was gonna do it that way? Link is dumb as hell for listening to this owl. Clearly it just wants to see him use those sex toys. Now it also wants to see him play with himself in front of… some stones? They are soft right now? The stones!?? I feel like I just encountered the Knights Who Say Ni, and was ordered to go get a shrubbery. This owl may be one of the all-time brain-damaged ROM-hack icons that no one knows about.

The last dungeon in the game is the TesteMounds. As expected little is changed.

The Magic Rod is now the FlameDild:


Sex toy from hell?
The perfect gift for that pyromaniac nymphomaniac on your list.

I think this would be the last sex toy a girl would use, and she would be infertile afterward.


Did'nt anyone teach you to share?
Despite the talk, this boss does not seem to have privates.

The boss of TesteMounds is the same old boss, but he is under the impression I want to play with sex toys and/or privates. Does a flame have privates? Maybe she would like this FlameDild?


Baby likes it REAL deep.
This one is for use on the woman and her unborn child together.

The last “sex toy” is the Intrauterine. P3 has his birth control methods and sex toys mixed up. Not surprising though, he has proven to be a very mixed up individual.

Before going to face what I hope will finally be the Omni-Negro, I stopped by Lick McClit.


Lick McClit and her magical vaj juices.
Her sex is like a drug.

She applied her special vaginal oils to me, which should help me in the coming battle. This girl has one powerful cooze!

After playing the instruments in front of the egg… err I mean using the sex toys.. The egg opened up. It was really anti-climactic, those were clearly instruments, and the owl showed and just said to go inside. I was hoping to get one last rambling paranoid-perverse send-off from that owl.

When I encounter the final boss, I learn that:


A world domination plan worthy of Dr. Evil..
OMG, the Omni-Negro was thinking of me when jacking off!

OK, so the descendants of niggers created an Omni-negro to keep jerkin for them to take over Clitmold Island? I guess that makes as much sense as anything in this hack. P3 had to toss in some racism at the last minute. Unless he is suggesting these are the descendants of rappers, or P3 himself is black, then I guess you can use the N-word.

After defeating the final boss, some very strange shit happens.


Doom Niggers?  A black metal-rap band perhaps?
I'm sorry, I did not rape this boss.

I out-raped the Doom Niggegs? OK, 1st off, I have not raped a single thing in this entire game, all the sex I had was consensual. So whatever the fuck a Doom Niggeg is, it must not be much of a raper.

After this, I am suddenly an elf again, showing further laziness with the graphics hacking by P3.

The owl comes back and gives me this bizarre psycho-sexual yarn:


The owl was also the Omni-Negro and his own pimp at the same time?!?
Luke, I'm actually your pimp in your dreams...

I’m glad this game is over, I’m tired of this fucking owl insulting my sexuality. How many woman do I have fuck to get away from being labeled a fag? This owl is actually the pimp daddy of the Omni-negro’s wet dream. So the pimps have even taken over in dreams? They are really enterprising! Could this line have been the inspiration for the ROM-hack, Pimp Daddy Link? Makes you wonder… Niggers entered your dream and started masturbating?!!? Have they no manners!??! The nerve!

Finally, the Omni-Negro itself makes an appearance.


The Omni-Negro's wet dream is that his family is raped by fags.  What a freak!
Behold! The Omni-Negro! Oh, wait, that's just a whale... nothing to see here..

The Omni-Negro looks suspiciously like a whale, and is not black at all. He also proved that P3 does not actually know what a fag is. I assure you fags would not try to rape a slut. Though you cant rape the willing anyway so its all intellectual. The Omni-Negro is very wise, teaching us all to remember to always wipe up our load after a wet dream. He’s like the Smokey The Bear of wet dreams. Remember kids… only you can wipe up your wet dream spooge, only you…

At the end you get the same old portraits of Link, and see the island vanishing as usual. P3 defiled this ROM in one final way… He changed all the credits to credit Perice for virtually everything. He was the programmer, graphic designer, sound engineer.. Why he ever got specially thanked. Truly the sign of a man with a huge ego, he decided that the final insult to Nintendo and Shigeru Miyamoto would be to claim he designed the whole game.

After what seemed like ages, this review is over. I think this ROM-hack is in fact a lost Badhack classic. It came out the same year as Dragon Pervert, but was noticed even less. Yet, P3 actually made a more thorough hack, which is at least as perverse and nonsensical. He needed to finish hacking the graphics, but at least he did the entire storyline. And he did manage some of the graphics. I think most people saw Link Gets Laid, and assumed it was a simple graphical hack, that it would be horribly incomplete. I know that’s what I originally assumed about it. But it turns out we were all wrong, this is a long journey into a wet nightmare world of stroking niggers, detachable penii, and a deranged sex-obsessed owl.

(Jomb ( This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it ), 2008)

 

Comments  

 
0 #3 2012-12-16 02:08
Soooo... this looks like one of those games I should stay away from... O_O

The fuck did I just read... O_O
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0 #2 Administrator - Jomb 2011-03-01 02:14
Glad you liked it. I remember reviewing this thing a couple years ago, it took months just to play through it and write the review, but it was worth it.
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0 #1 2011-02-25 06:12
Man. I've waited a long time to see this whole hack. Awesome. Thanks for this.
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